sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
