everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
