During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
