Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
