I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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