gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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