my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
