careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
