My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
