...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
