I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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