My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
This toilet bowl is my home.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
