Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
