i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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