she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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