So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
