Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
whose parrot is this?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
