Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize