"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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