A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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