I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
