You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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