"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
