how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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