Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
