I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
