I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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