I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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