He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
