when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's never too late to be topless.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
