Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't deserve a penis
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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