Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
