I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
