all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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