come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
