he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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