Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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