I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
