I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
