So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just had sex on a roof
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
