1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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