fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
