I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
