This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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