I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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