worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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