I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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