hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
