You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
