Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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