Cold hands, warm shart.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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