When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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