i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
