She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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