There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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