I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
