i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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