If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
