I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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