I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
