Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
