I think my vagina is haunted
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
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I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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