Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
