So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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