So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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