Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
